Category Archives: state of me

Good intentions

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I have good intentions of posting regularly and saying interesting things so that anyone who reads will think “Oh, how clever.” It just doesn’t always happen or even sometimes happens. Today I woke up at 7am, fed the cats, ate breakfast, paid bills, started catching up on the shows I’ve DVR’ed, and fell back to sleep until noon. I know, don’t I live a fabulous life?

It’s a cold rainy Saturday afternoon. The cats are napping. My fitbit has given up on me getting 10,000 steps for the day. I’ve caught up on sleep. It was a busy week. I started pre-service foster care classes this week which means two days a week I go from work to home for a quick supper and to class for three hours. Two classes and six hours down; 11 classes and 31 hours to go.

The first class was a basic orientation.

The second class was about the process and the child welfare team. There was a lot of talk about what to do when the social worker doesn’t call you back which is apparently a thing you have to deal with. I know they are busy people and have to deal with the safety of children but even doctors offices call you back if you leave them a message. It seems like there should be a better system.

Any way, I don’t know if I said anything clever or if you had a moment to think “Oh, she’s so clever.” but here a video to watch if you have the time. Part two is on youtube. Warning: if you have a heart, it will make you weepy most likely unless you’re a tough guy.

 

 

 

 

 

Looking forward

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I should be working on my novel but I wanted to drop in and write up a wrap-up for 2015. 2015 was a good year for me, or at least it was as I remember it right now. I have a house, and my cats have finally settled from the move and are no longer hiding. See, here they are.

I have furniture (that’s a long, long story) and I’m not sleeping on a mattress on the floor. Yay! I have a back yard and a porch and a garage. I have WiFi and a washing machine and an oven that works and hot water. Life is pretty good. Sure, I want to paint the horrible blue and pink bathroom and the water pressure isn’t the greatest but it’s all mine. I have however long I live here to make changes.

All right, I’m listening to the podcast Limetown as I write this so hopefully, I’m not too distracted. I’m glad I found out it was a fictional story before I started listening. It’s creepy. It’s about a town where 200 people disappeared and an investigator (in the Serial podcast fashion) tries to find out what happened. Oh, season two of Serial has started if you don’t know. I like podcasts. They’re like old timey radio shows. I like the stripped down intimacy of listening to voices and not being assaulted by over-saturated visuals.

Back to the purpose of this post, the other big thing that happened in 2015 was discovering I’m asexual and knowing for the first time in my life that I’m not defective or damaged. It’s hard changing 40+ years of a negative self-image. Finding out there is a welcoming asexual community online is like the best grilled cheese sandwich you’ve ever had. I’m still working on what all this means to me. There’s a million ways to be asexual. I would like to be in a relationship if that’s possible. I just don’t think most people would put up with me.

I don’t have any New Years resolutions. Sure, there’s stuff I want to make a better effort on but NY resolutions don’t last.

Happy 2016, everyone. I hope this new year will be the best one yet for you.

 

Things I do instead of writing.

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1 Finf amusing things on Pinterest

2. Wash dishes. (Ha! Who am I kidding? I’m not washing dishes.)

3. Play with cats

4. Make play lists for my characters. Closer to actually writing, at least I’m thinking of my characters.

5. Blog post about what I’m doing instead of writing.

piece of cake

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I’ve been working on this post for a couple weeks.  I feel stuck working on this so the plan is to post it today so I can move on to writing other things. For the past year or so I’ve been flirting with the idea that I’m asexual. That is probably a poor choice of words but a few months ago, I came to the realization that it is true. I am asexual. So before anyone starts getting upset or confused about what I mean by this, let’s talk about what asexuality means and what it does not mean.

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Asexual people do not experience sexual attraction. It’s thought that 1% of the population is asexual. That number came from a survey in the UK a few years back. I think it’s probably a bit more, but who knows. Scientific study of asexuality is still new.

Some asexual people date, have sexual relationships, aesthetic and romantic attractions, libidos, sex drives, fantasies, tell dirty jokes, masturbate, and some don’t. There’s a spectrum involved. Want to learn more? This is a fabulous website to visit if you’re interested. The Asexual Visibility and Education Network

I really have no intention in going into detail on my blog on where in the spectrum I fall. Honestly, it’s only important to the next person I’m in a relationship with.

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What do I hope to gain from this post? To be honest, I have no idea. I can’t imagine this would change anyone’s perceptive about me. I’m the same person I’ve always been. I’m still interested in the same type of people I’ve always been interested in. I still watch too much tv and hate raw tomatoes.

I want people to know that asexuality is real. It’s not a reaction to something bad that happened or a sign of a low libido or aging. I spent so much of my life thinking I was broken and that I had to pretend to be like everyone else because I was afraid if people knew this thing about me they would see me as defective and unlikeable. I closed off part of myself. I hid who I am to everyone. It’s hard and it’s lonely thinking you can’t be known or loved for the person you are.

Finally admitting to myself that I am asexual was such a relief. I’m free. I’m not defective. I’m not broken. I’m just different than the 99% of you. Honestly, most of you probably thought I was different any way, but now I have the words for it.

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PS. All the memes posted have been shamelessly stolen from elsewhere. I didn’t create any of them but I’d really like a t-shirt of the pirate one.

Well, hello, there.

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Obligatory cat photo.

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I haven’t around WordPress recently. Sorry to my regular blog readers, all three of you. I wish I could report that fabulous amazing things have kept me from updating, but meh, no. So here’s, a bit of what’s going on.

  • Still have not gotten a couch. I will someday. It’s just a lot of work.
  • I still have not finished the story I am writing, but I have only three scenes left to finish. Although, I am so excited about this, I have no idea how long it will take to finish.
  • I got off the meditation track. I’m starting over again.
  • Yoga. I’m taking a beginner’s yoga workshop on Mondays in June. I’m really looking forward to it.

And finally, Happy Asexual Visibility Day.

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RIP Grandpa

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grampaI love this picture of my grandpa and my niece. She was a bit unsteady at this time and loved playing with my grandpa’s cane. He had his hands out to catch her if she stumbled. My grandpa loved being a grandpa and great grandpa. He grew up during the Great Depression and fought in WWII. He worked hard his whole life and was my grandmother’s caretaker for a long time. He was the most gentle, kind, and patient man I have ever known. I don’t remember if he ever said that he loved me but I always knew he did. The words weren’t necessary.

Sometimes when my siblings and I were talking, he would smile at us like we were the most amusing people in the whole world. Every kid needs a grandparent like that.

RIP, Grandpa.

Cats don’t like vacations

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Where have I been? I’m glad you ask.

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Was I fighting a dragon who was attacking a castle? Not quite.

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Helping a princess look for lego? Yes.

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Posing family members? Yes.

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Laughing about squirrel underpants? Yes.

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Showing kids the ocean? Yes.

If it wasn’t clear, I was on vacation. I had a great time, and so did every one else if I can speak on behalf of my family, but that is not what this post is about.

Both my cats are scaredy cats. They hide if anyone comes over or if there’s a thunderstorm or the vacuum cleaner is running. I’ve never left Neutrino alone for more than 48 hours before. The last time I went on vacation before Neutrino, I didn’t tell the person who was feeding my cats that Jackie Chan liked to go into rooms and close the door behind her for alone time. Jackie ended up locking herself in my bedroom and tore all the carpet out from under the door trying to get out. Poor kitty.

Neutrino was the one I was most worried about. He’s had separation anxiety in the past when I leave for work. I’ve worked through that with him but 8 days is a long time. My anxiety was eating at me over it.

I had a wonderful person come over and feed them each day, She’s been over several times before so I figured they were sort of use to her even if they had never come out of hiding to see her. From what I’ve heard there were a couple times Neutrino freaked out when she came by but they were fine when I got home. Jackie Chan was her normal self, but Neutrino did not come out of hiding until 4AM. When he did come out to see me, he made his little trilling sounds and demanded that I pet him for quite a while. Here he is letting me know that I’m not allowed to leave him like that ever again.

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