Category Archives: asexual pride

Looking forward

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I should be working on my novel but I wanted to drop in and write up a wrap-up for 2015. 2015 was a good year for me, or at least it was as I remember it right now. I have a house, and my cats have finally settled from the move and are no longer hiding. See, here they are.

I have furniture (that’s a long, long story) and I’m not sleeping on a mattress on the floor. Yay! I have a back yard and a porch and a garage. I have WiFi and a washing machine and an oven that works and hot water. Life is pretty good. Sure, I want to paint the horrible blue and pink bathroom and the water pressure isn’t the greatest but it’s all mine. I have however long I live here to make changes.

All right, I’m listening to the podcast Limetown as I write this so hopefully, I’m not too distracted. I’m glad I found out it was a fictional story before I started listening. It’s creepy. It’s about a town where 200 people disappeared and an investigator (in the Serial podcast fashion) tries to find out what happened. Oh, season two of Serial has started if you don’t know. I like podcasts. They’re like old timey radio shows. I like the stripped down intimacy of listening to voices and not being assaulted by over-saturated visuals.

Back to the purpose of this post, the other big thing that happened in 2015 was discovering I’m asexual and knowing for the first time in my life that I’m not defective or damaged. It’s hard changing 40+ years of a negative self-image. Finding out there is a welcoming asexual community online is like the best grilled cheese sandwich you’ve ever had. I’m still working on what all this means to me. There’s a million ways to be asexual. I would like to be in a relationship if that’s possible. I just don’t think most people would put up with me.

I don’t have any New Years resolutions. Sure, there’s stuff I want to make a better effort on but NY resolutions don’t last.

Happy 2016, everyone. I hope this new year will be the best one yet for you.

 

why care about asexuality any way?

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Happy Asexual Awareness Week!

I can hear some of you thinking “Oh, no, Vicki, not the asexual thing again! I’m not asexual. Why don’t you stop posting about this?” Yes, that’s right, I can hear your thoughts, and I’m going to tell you why I’m not going to stop posting.

As far as anyone knows, about 1% of the world’s population is asexual. I think it’s more because of the stigma especially for males to admit they don’t experience sexual attraction. Asexuality is not a new internet fad. In the 1940’s Kinsey found a percentage of people (1.5% of males) who did not experience sexual attraction in his studies. There are other studies from the 1970’s about asexual behavior and recent studies show that asexuality exists in the animal kingdom. See here for studies.

With so few of us, there is rarely any representation in the media, except as socially awkward geniuses, time lords, or serial killers. There was an asexual EMT on the comedy Sirens last year and the romance novella Ace by Jack Byrne. (Yes, asexuals can have romances too.) I’m sure there are other examples that I don’t know about. I’m getting off topic but my point is if you don’t know asexuality exists, you aren’t going to stumble across it through mainstream media. You can find videos on youtube and references online but you have to search for them to find them.

Before anyone discovers they are asexual, they need to know asexuality exists. This may come as a surprise but a lot of asexual people (before they know they are asexual) think you all are just over-exaggerating all the sexual stuff. It’s kind of like learning a second language and never quite finding that language’s humor funny. You can recognize the humor and get good at fake laughing because everyone around you is laughing but it’s not what you think is funny. There’s a difference between not understanding humor and not understanding sexual attraction though. Human beings need other human beings. You might not even understand what how you are different. It gets to a point were you think there’s something wrong with you and that you’re broken or abnormal.

Asexuals don’t need to be made aware that we exist. We all ready know that. It’s those who don’t know who they are that need help. It’s a miserable life feeling like you don’t belong but they don’t have to feel like that. They have a community that will welcome them. That’s why I’m writing this post to you, the 99%. If you have a friend or family member who is struggling and doesn’t have interest in relationships or finds them unsatisfying, maybe you can say to them, “Hey, have you heard of this thing called asexuality? There’s a bunch of stuff online about it.” And then let them go research it on their own. Or if you hear or see someone say asexuality isn’t real and asexuals are just a bunch of people who want to be special snowflakes, you’ll know the truth (because you’ve read all the information on the links I’ve added, right?) and you can tell them they don’t know what they are talking about because we can all use allies.

 

Dr. Ruth and asexuality

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Apparently, Dr. Ruth isn’t dead. I know, I was surprised too. Not only is she not dead, she’s on twitter. I suppose that’s not as shocking as the fact that she’s not dead. Why am I talking about Dr.Ruth? Because she posted this.

Dr. Ruth has the right to tweet whatever she wants to tweet but for someone who styles herself an educator of “sexual literacy” this is a shockingly ignorant opinion. How about doing a little research before you bash 7.3 million people world wide? Asexual people aren’t a joke. We aren’t a waste of space or a mistake of nature. We exist and we have value.

I never was a fan of Dr. Ruth. The only real memory I have of her was a TV appearance with her giggling and saying the word penis way back in the day when no one said that on TV. To me she seemed to have based her public persona on the shock factor that she was a tiny elderly woman saying sexually explicit things.

Dr. Ruth may very well be an amazing  mother and grandmother and general great all around person, but for someone who grew up in the Nazi era she should know better than to marginalize a group of people and say they shouldn’t exist.

 

 

Cake, cats, acceptance or what asexuals talk about amongst ourselves

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Ever wonder what asexual people talk about with each other? Then you need to watch the Pieces of Ace podcast. Episode 2 is right here. You can also visit their website here. http://piecesoface.com/

I wonder if angel cake is the same as angel food cake?

piece of cake

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I’ve been working on this post for a couple weeks.  I feel stuck working on this so the plan is to post it today so I can move on to writing other things. For the past year or so I’ve been flirting with the idea that I’m asexual. That is probably a poor choice of words but a few months ago, I came to the realization that it is true. I am asexual. So before anyone starts getting upset or confused about what I mean by this, let’s talk about what asexuality means and what it does not mean.

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Asexual people do not experience sexual attraction. It’s thought that 1% of the population is asexual. That number came from a survey in the UK a few years back. I think it’s probably a bit more, but who knows. Scientific study of asexuality is still new.

Some asexual people date, have sexual relationships, aesthetic and romantic attractions, libidos, sex drives, fantasies, tell dirty jokes, masturbate, and some don’t. There’s a spectrum involved. Want to learn more? This is a fabulous website to visit if you’re interested. The Asexual Visibility and Education Network

I really have no intention in going into detail on my blog on where in the spectrum I fall. Honestly, it’s only important to the next person I’m in a relationship with.

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What do I hope to gain from this post? To be honest, I have no idea. I can’t imagine this would change anyone’s perceptive about me. I’m the same person I’ve always been. I’m still interested in the same type of people I’ve always been interested in. I still watch too much tv and hate raw tomatoes.

I want people to know that asexuality is real. It’s not a reaction to something bad that happened or a sign of a low libido or aging. I spent so much of my life thinking I was broken and that I had to pretend to be like everyone else because I was afraid if people knew this thing about me they would see me as defective and unlikeable. I closed off part of myself. I hid who I am to everyone. It’s hard and it’s lonely thinking you can’t be known or loved for the person you are.

Finally admitting to myself that I am asexual was such a relief. I’m free. I’m not defective. I’m not broken. I’m just different than the 99% of you. Honestly, most of you probably thought I was different any way, but now I have the words for it.

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PS. All the memes posted have been shamelessly stolen from elsewhere. I didn’t create any of them but I’d really like a t-shirt of the pirate one.